In June 2019, my friend, Kendyll, & I went to BookPeople to hear Raphael Bob-Waksberg read from his book, Someone Who Will Love You in All Your Damaged Glory.

Earlier that same week, I’d listened to Michelle Buteau & Jordan Carlos‘ podcast, Adulting, & an audience member submitted the question, “what do you do with the void?” On that podcast, the question was taken as a joke, but the void/the abyss is something I think about a lot & I wondered, “yes—what do I do with this darkness that’s always looming?”

If I’m being honest, I am a person who has struggled on & off with clinical depression. I know sometimes it feels like that admission is so commonplace it’s lost some meaning, but there have been years on end where I didn’t want to get out of bed (& months when I’d indulge this after quitting a job or ending a relationship) & years where I couldn’t muster interest in things that nourish me like my friendships, my writing, & art.

I’m the sort of person who loves hiking through canyons but also feels a strange urge to step off the hiking path the moment I look over the edge of the trail and see the canyon’s gaping expanse. Sometimes, I experience that sensation almost like a delicious whisper in my mind that’s like, “yes, jump!” The French phrase for this is l’appel du vide—which translates to “the call of the void.” American scientists, less poetically, call it the “High place phenomenon.” (For those who have never experienced it, you can read about high place phenomenon here: https://www.wbur.org/endlessthread/2018/06/29/the-call-of-the-void .)

Along the way in the worst stretches of my depression, there were well-meaning people who tried their best to save me and who left, worse for wear, when they realized they couldn’t. More than one romantic fling (the ones who have never been depressed) called me a black hole—recognizing the futility in trying to pull me out of it.

& in both cases, fair enough.

From Bojack & Someone to Love You in All Your Damaged Glory, the sense I have of Bob-Waksberg is that he also has had to find ways to work around the bleakness and darkness of it all. So, after his reading & as he signed my copy of his book, I asked him—what do you do with the abyss? (I realize this is a deeply personal question & so I’m grateful he took the time to answer it.)

Bob-Waksberg told me, “well, don’t wallow in it! You can grab a pair of skates & skate around the rim to see how small it actually is. You can grab it by its collar, shake it & tell it ‘I’m not afraid of you.’ Or, if it is big & you are afraid, you can go to a friend & say, ‘I can’t do this alone—will you tackle this with me?’”

It really took me a couple of weeks to digest what he’d said & I think of it often. Around that time, my (then) budding romance with my boyfriend looked to be heading for the rocks (or maybe, I was afraid of being disappointed & wanted to nip things in the bud) & with Bob-Waksberg’s words still on my mind, I sent one of my favorite texts that I’ve ever sent that night:

& while ultimately, I rethought things (& am grateful to have made that choice), I love that for once in a very long time, I asked myself what it would be like *not* to do the thing that would send me spiraling. I still try everyday to be that person who prioritizes her happiness and peace over the call of the void & the luscious temptation to set fire to my life —some days are, admittedly, better than others.

Coming back to Bojack (the final episodes of which are now online), I found it difficult to see so many people turn away from Bojack and part of me will always long for a world where Bojack gets a happy ending (or where Tuca & Bertie is renewed!). But for so many characters caught in the gravitational pull of Bojack-the-blackhole, it is a happy ending of sorts to see them realize that they can do more besides getting sucked in or wallowing. This show has given me the opportunity to think more deeply on the hostage-like situation that can happen when you are waiting on someone to save you (& when that someone believes they can & should). It’s given me an opportunity to reflect more fully on what it means to be accountable to myself and to manage the abyss, for myself.

Lastly, when that video of the coyote and badger excitedly entering a culvert together on their way to hunt came out a few days ago, my friend Kendyll (the very same from my #hotgirlsummer text & the book reading) messaged it to me with the caption, “it’s us! Getting ready to talk shit about the abyss!”

& it’s honestly one of the joys of my life to have friends who understand, who are also trying to gain control over their own personal voids, & who are ready to tackle this together.

I hope we can all be so lucky.